08 October 2012

Admitting you need help...

Why? Why bring others into your world, your secret place? Your hide away from the reality around you.
It's hard to fathom wanting to do that, when the person in question isn't someone you love. Even letting in those you love can feel hard, almost impossible at times. To find someone you trust enough is a large task, and you only hope they take the task to heart, and help you do what needs to be done.
Accepting you need help is never easy. Especially in today's world, and in my profession and position. Being willing to reach out takes guts. The gratitude you feel when your call is answered, though, is immense. A burden lifted, and a breath breathed easier.
I never want to admit when my walls start crumbling down.... I never want to show that "weakness".
I can't remember a time when my needs were placed first and foremost. I can't even recall them being considered too often. I am partly to blame, though, as I too often bear a mask that has everyone believing I'm okay. And some have grown to expect that from me, never being able to see beyond the mask.
I can be standing in the ruins of my shelter, and they see the veiled sarcasm and witty banter, rather than the glistening eyes and aching heart. They don't realize how tired and hurting I am, wishing and praying for a reprieve from playing strong, but knowing they are too absorbed in their tasks to notice.
It takes a while for me to crack and crumble. This time it took a month, before a singular event cascaded my thoughts and emotions into a burning heap of confusion. The difference being that, this time, they saw it coming. Those around me saw my downward spiral, and only two of them thought enough to inquire. But none thought to intervene.
When have I ever, in my life, asked for help? Know me a week, and you should know it is harder for me than just about anything else. So, don't wait for me to do it.
I grasped....
I sent out little flags, hoping someone would take the bait, and help me out.
They didn't.
They even tried to reprimand me, for a crash they saw coming, and refused to stop, because they refused to offer the help they knew I couldn't ask for myself.
I don't trust easily. I have been disappointed, let down, betrayed, fouled, and made a joke of enough in my life to not trust but a handful of people. I can count, on barely both hands, the number of people I trust.
And less than one hand, the number of people I trust with what is in my head. Funny thing being, two of those I trust so deeply, are very new additions to my world, within the last several months, one within the last week.

You see, I hit that point, where I knew I had no choice but to reach out, before I drowned. I ignored the false caring of others, and went straight to the only person here that I would trust, wholly, with my life.
And he did just what I needed, something that has never happened. He took me where I needed to go, to get the help I needed. And I'm grateful for that. He realizes that what I shared with him, I wouldn't share with a single person in my entire unit, and couldn't share with my family. He realized how much it took for me to reach out to him, and he didn't take that lightly.
The relief that brings me is immense. On top of what I've now accomplished with the doctor he got me. I am breathing a bit easier now, and feeling better about what's happening. And I have someone along with me, to help with the adjustments, and track the progress, the meds, and help with the turmoil that always festers beneath the surface.

I have someone here to talk to.


  1. (((Hugs))) Thankful for your samaritan; that he was able to be there for you & get you what you need.

  2. So glad you've got someone nearby. I've wondered about you for awhile, now. Shortly after you sent my kids their package. But I know that what's in my head is hard enough to sort out, I imagine what's in someone else's head must be similar.


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