15 February 2016

The Disillusioned Dad

I have always been one who has been open about my history, and my family's history.
Except for the last few months...or even the last year.

Many know the details of my upbringing, my dad raised me for several years on his own, before he entered the hospital with terminal cancer, and I entered foster care, eventually ending up with my now-parents.
Not everyone knows of my dad's struggle with mental illness.  It wasn't so much a secret, as it was just not something brought up much.  He sacrificed a lot when he became a father, the biggest thing being control over his life.
My dad was diagnosed as Schizophrenic in his 20s.  He also had the classic symptoms of Bipolar, for which he was not ever fully treated.  Throughout his younger years, he coped with his conditions with drugs, alcohol, and risky behavior.
When he became a father, my dad took his medications religiously.  He hated the way they made him feel, and some of their side effects were not overly pleasant, but his first priority was his kids.  When my birth mother walked out on him, leaving him with a 3yo and a 3mo, he almost fell back on his old ways, but he looked down at our faces, and realized that he was all we had left.
He stayed sober, he stayed clean, he stayed medicated.  Even through the pain of having to give my little brother up for adoption, he continued to walk the line, praying that my brother would live a content and privileged life, and hoping that by giving him that opportunity, he could afford to keep a roof over our heads, as the family who adopted my brother was not interested in a 5yo as well.

When he was diagnosed with his cancer, there was nothing they could do for him but give him the choice between certain death, and certain misery.  He held on as long as he could, and when he was forced out of work, with little to no money for weeks on end, still put my needs, and his medications above all else.

My dad was a tall man.  Maybe 6' at his prime; an imposing looking man, with the soul of a saint.  He was almost 100lbs when he finally passed away, after nearly a year in the hospital.  His life all but forgotten by those who passed him daily.
He was a traveler, fluent in 3 languages, a mechanical genius, and a musical savant.  If you gave him an hour with just about any instrument, he could figure it out, and play you just about any song.  He loved the Beatles, and his voice was like butter across warm bread.  I can still remember him softly singing Blackbird to me as he lulled me to sleep.
His musical skills were something smothered by his medications, but even though he could not enjoy it, he did his best to instill a joy of music in me.

I grew up with a different mental health outlook than my dad.  I was diagnosed on the Autism Spectrum as a kid, developing the beginnings of anxiety, and after several years, grew to adapt to my environment, like my dad did.
After losing my daughter in 2001, PTSD was added to my portfolio, and I ran as hard and as fast as I could from the reality of my world.  I joined the US Army, and within months shipped off to Iraq.
I watched people I know be killed, watched the survivors change before my eyes.  I was shot at, and I shot back.  I ran through a hail of bullets more than once, and I cleaned up more blood than I care to recall.  All this, as a Combat Medic.
It was a great distraction from the pain of losing my infant daughter, but upon returning to the US, having endured 18mo of fighting and death in Iraq, I could not be my father's son.
I could not cope, and began drinking and self-medicating to dull the pain.  And it worked... for a few weeks.  I was never able to push myself into anything illegal, so it was just a few months down the road before the phone call that would save my life.
I hit rock bottom on a cold, dark night in Chicago.  I had some pills and a building, because I wanted it all to stop, and I wasn't sure I even had the guts to do it, so I wanted options.

By then, my sister (adoptive), had been diagnosed as rapid-cycling Bipolar for about 10 years, and with a history of suicide attempts, I reached out to her for support.  Fortunately, she offered me none.
Being across the country, stationed at Camp Pendleton with her husband, she call my mother in Kansas, who drove the 9-hour trip, all the while my sister kept me talking.

Looking back, I still don't know if I really had it in me to go through with my plans, but I am just glad, today, that I had a safety net in place that day.

With everything I've been through, I had always joked about my family history of mental health issues.  Personally, I have a laundry list that includes PTSD (from losing my daughter, and from my deployment), SAD, GAD, OCD, ADD/ADHD, ASD, CP, Dyspraxia, and quite a few TBIs.
It was a relief to make it to my 30th birthday without adding my father's disorders to mine, and I have prided myself in my management of my symptoms over the years, seldom resorting to medications.
I am not one to refuse the help I need, but most medications thus far have shown to be ineffective for my complex alphabet soup of overlaying symptoms.  I manage well, with alternative therapies (mindfulness, meditation, desensitization, etc), but seek help when I need it.  With my history, and my complexities, I am not stupid enough to ignore the signs that things are getting beyond my control.

In 2014, something happened that would have been significant to most people, but given my history, was almost a laughing point.
While training at an out-of-state weapons site with people from an adjoining unit, I suffered a non-impact concussion, from the blast of a machine gun in a room too small for that weapon's use.  The initial injury occurred around 10am, and by 6pm I was being taken to the Emergency Department at a local hospital for my symptoms.  The hospital staff, not taking my history of concussions seriously (the more you have, the easier it is to get another), brushed it off and put my official diagnosis as "Migraine and Tension headache".
Upon returning to Virginia, the next day, and returning to work, I was immediately referred out to the TBI/Neuropsychology department at the Naval Hospital.
Having daily, debilitating headaches AND migraines, suffering memory loss, and having an inability to concentrate, I received consistent outpatient assessments and therapies for nearly 6mo.  At that point it was decided that I had reached the limits of outpatient care, and was turned over to a self-paced program to help with any potential residual recovery.

I made it about 3mo on the self-paced program before I sought out counseling, having trouble coping with what we thought were the residual effects of my concussion.  After additional evaluations, it was thrown out there that my new issues were actually Bipolar disorder, triggered by my concussion.

It was a shock.
Being in the medical field, I have seen cases of MH issues being triggered by trauma (my sister's Bipolar was triggered by sexual and physical abuse from her birth family), but its one of those things that you never think will happen to you.
I was resilient.  I bounced back from the concussion.  I have bounced back from ALL my concussions.
And I would bounce back from this.
We had to change up the way we structured our life, but over time my wife, my counselor, and I were able to find a balance.  More structure here, less structure there.... Stepping back from some things, pushing forward with other plans.
And finally, we had our balance, as we were welcoming our youngest daughter into our lives at the end of last summer.

Things had stabilized well, but there were small things that were beginning to become noticeable to me, my coworkers, and my family.  Mixing up words.... Losing track of time.... Losing track of conversations.... and being unable to communicate my thoughts to others.
These are all issues that can come from a concussion, but unfortunately, they had worsened (just slightly) since my recovery was deemed "adequate".

After further evaluations, discussing my entire mental health history, and breaking down each of my disorders, and every single symptom I have or have ever had, our world was rocked to the core.

With my new diagnosis, our lives are now forever changed.  I am being evaluated to determine if I can continue to serve in the military, and we are having to make a lot of tough decisions about our present, and our future.
My diagnosis with Bipolar put my blogging on the back-burner for several months, and I didn't want that to happen with this diagnosis, since I may be coming to you all for help in the future.  But MH diagnosis' are not easy, for anyone.  Especially when the diagnosis is one that most people fear and do not understand.  Even as someone with Autism (which is also feared, and not understood), I sit here worried about the rejection of myself and my family from both our virtual world and our community. 

The stigma behind Schizophrenia is grander than most diseases.

And while I may not hear voices, or have hallucinations, I find myself wishing this was all just a made-up reality I concocted in my head.

06 March 2015


IDEATION : the capacity for or the act of forming or entertaining ideas <suicidal ideation>

It is something that affects people of all ages, all racial backgrounds, and all economic standings.  Males are 4-5x more likely to commit suicide than females, and people ages 35-85 are 1.5x more likely to kill themselves than people 15-24.  Children 5-14 kill themselves (with intent) at 1/10th the rate of people 15-24.

More people die from suicide than homicide.

But what you hear about in the news is either murder or teen suicide.

Suicide among the elderly is brushed off as compassionate, suicide among the middle-aged is taboo, but suicide among teenagers is a travesty, because that is what society wants us to believe.  Whether it is you parents, siblings, children, or grandchildren burying you, we are indifferent.

Suicide is usually a last resort for a tortured soul.  Someone who has been hurt by others, scarred by events in their lives, or overwhelmed by the world they have found themselves in.  It is not something that comes lightly, to most, and most suicidal people carry a lot of guilt.  It is when the guilt of living outweighs the guilt for the living, even momentarily, that the wheels of fate are set in motion toward an irreversible end.

It is not just the mentally ill, the bullied youth, the destitute adult, or the ailing elderly that seek solace in death.

There are those who are happily married, have jobs they generally enjoy, and growing families, who find themselves contemplating suicide.  Who wake up in the morning, get ready for work, kiss their family good-bye, and on their way to work realize how easy it would be to end it all.  A quick jerk of the wheel, a concrete barricade, and a 70mph decision could take their stress away.

Not all stress is bad stress, but even too much good stress can be bad.  Ask someone with Autism.  It is just as easy to be overwhelmed with the good change and exuberance around you as it is with the failures and trials that come with life.

It can be one one big stressor: the death of a child, the experience of war, grave disability/illness, the loss of a career.

Or it can be a bunch of small stressors combined: the changes in weather, a minor unexpected bill, a growing project list, growing family/changes in dynamic, medical issues, social stress, family stress, work stress, grocery shopping, needing to go to the post office to mail an overdue package, needing to plan a vacation, needing to organize a team (or two), needing to get your vehicle repaired, being in the middle of your parents’ divorce, issues with the ILs, IEP meetings, making dinner, tracking activities, keeping up with laundry, cleaning the house, cleaning up after everyone, potential shifts in work schedule, constant activity reschedules due to weather, issues with coworkers, forgetting lunch at home, unexpected medical appointments, issues with customers at work, the dog getting sick, the dog having a laundry list of food allergies, etc.

Nothing on that second list is in-it-of-itself a horribly stressful event, but you put them together, and anyone can feel overwhelmed. 

Add to that a history of depression, anxiety, and PTSD, and you’ve got a powder keg at a welding shop.  One errant spark, and BOOM.

Don’t be mistaken, people who commit suicide usually have loved ones they care very deeply about.  People they cherish, and would do anything in the world to protect.

But when you are at the point when the boughs are breaking, and everything is flooding in around you, those loved ones, those beautiful cherished ones that light up your life, they are dimmed out by the walls of overwhelming stress, pain, guilt, and shame.  Apathy sets in, and nothing matters except ending those feelings.  Of doing something to take away the helplessness.  Suicide is the final way to take back control.

It is the liberation from love and hate.

The cleansing of stress and the atonement for wrongdoing.

It is the ultimate deliverance.

03 September 2014

It takes a village to raise a (SN) kid.

Yesterday, the twins had their first day of Kindergarten.
It was a nervous day, all around, but not just because it was their first day of school.

Autism.  It played a huge role in this school year coming about.
It was the guiding force in the decision for Mr Boy and Miss Girl to even start Kindergarten this month.... a whole year early.

When you have twins, you do your best not to compare them, but that doesn't stop them from doing it; it doesn't stop strangers from comparing them.  Having one twin with Special Needs can only make it that much more of a challenge.  We want them to stay together (same grade) even when they are apart (different classes).  It was decided, at the beginning of the summer, that it was best to try to mainstream Mr Boy.  None of us know how its going to go.  In Pre-k, he was in the Special Needs classroom because of all his therapies.  In Kindergarten, he will still recieve two of his therapies, but will reside in a Mainstream classroom.  We are in new territory, and we don't know whether he will sink or swim.

So, this is our trial year.  This is the year when we learn if Mr Boy is ready for Mainstream.  This is the year we work with the school, to figure out our plan for the next 6 years.  If he does well, and keeps up with his class, then we will continue on, smooth sailing.  If he struggles too much, and needs a different setting, we can move him to the Special Needs class.  If this year blows up in our faces, and we have to start all over again, we have next year.

Starting the twins a year early means, if all else fails, we can hold them back a year.  Several administrators questioned that approach, and how it would effect Miss Girl.  They said it could be detrimental to her education.  Yes, her education is important to us, and yes we know that they are two individuals.  What we also know is this:  To separate the twins, hold one back while the other progresses, would kill them, emotionally.  Our daughter is her brother's "keeper".  She is well versed in his quirks, and can calm his frustrations with a hug and a few quick words.  She looks out for him whenever they are outside the house (school, shopping, soccer, playdates, park, etc) and makes sure he is included in all group activities.  She loves her brother, and takes her self-appointed responsibilities seriously.  Separate grades may not effect them now, but it sure will effect them down the road.  If she transitioned to middle school before him, who would be there for him after school?  They would hardly ever see each other.  He would be at school from 7:45-3:20, and she would be at school from 8:20-4:00.  That may not seem like much time away from each other, but for siblings, its an eternity.  And lets not talk about the emotional and mental effects it could have on Mr Boy, to be a year behind his twin sister.
If it comes to it, yes, we will do it, but we won't go down without a fight.

So, now that the back story is laid out, we can get to the grit of this post.
The first day of school.

One of the benefits of military service is that most units have what is called a "zero-nine (09:00) work-call" on the first dat of school.  It allows Active Duty parents to walk/drive their kids to school on the first day, or take them to the bus stop.  Usually, we are at work by 6am, and thus missout on this ritual.

So, we were up at 6:45, in preparation for a 7:45 departure.
We ate breakfast as a family (which is rare during the week), and their big sister (Ms Artist) called from college to wish them luck.

Everyone got dressed, and around 7:30, we headed out to the bus stop (the end of our cul-de-sac).
One big stipulation we had, when meeting with the school:  If they can't ride the SN bus together, then they will both be riding the regularly scheduled bus.

The other kids at our stop know the twins, and are friendly with them, but everyone at our stop is in different grades and classes.

All the kids were pretty nervous, and aside from parental probing, mostly kept quiet.

As the bus pulled up, hugs were had, and the kids filed onto the bus bravely, turning and waving as they reached their seats.  The older kids gravitated to the back of the bus, and the younger ones sitting up front.

The twins were at the back of the line, and as Boy reached for the arm rail, and went to take his first step up the stairs, he slipped.  Within seconds, both the bus driver and myself found our ways to him, and I picked him up, meeting a face of silent tears, and a busted chin. 
The tears weren't from pain.  Mr Boy has had 2 heart surgeries, 2 other surgeries, and has been poked and prodded since the day he was born.  Looking into his eyes I knew.  I knew they were tears of frustration.

On top of being on the Autism Spectrum, Mr Boy also has a mild form of Cerebral Palsy.  He didn't walk until he was 14mo, and even then, it was spastic and he was prone to falling.  He works harder than most people even realize, to make his arms and legs do what he wants them to do.  His fine motor skills (tooth brushing, using a fork, etc) are still a work in progress, but for the most part, he has few issues with walking or running. 

His biggest Kryptonite: Nervousness.

When Mr Boy gets very nervous, his limbs tangle and his coordination crumbles.
He is getting better at controlling it in soccer and when he goes out, but new places/experiences can sometimes catch him up.

His tears were out of frustration.  His body had one simple job: get him up those 3 stairs.
It wasn't something we had even thought of as a problem.

We had trained him for the noisy bus, the possible bullies, the weird bathrooms, the new teacher, eating lunch in a cafeteria, fire drills, etc.  He was so prepared for this new adventure, and the thing that brought him tumbling down (literally) was a set of stairs.

It crushed him.

After convincing the bus driver that I could handle the situation (no need for police/ambulance), I told Miss Girl to hop on the bus, and I would take care of her brother.
She hesitated, worry evident in her eyes, but I promised he'd be fine.

I work in a health clinic, but it is a 40min drive from our house.  I knew he only needed a few stitches, so we went to the emergency department of our local hospital, about 10min up the road from our house.  They were great with him, and as soon as they scanned him in at the front desk, his Autism diagnosis popped up on the screen.  They saw that, and (it was not busy) took him straight back to our own room, and got him screened and ready for the doctor.  Everyone who came into the room knew his diagnosis, and talked to him, not me.  They asked him questions, and explained every step of what they were doing.  They gave him a button, and told him that if he needed them to stop, all he had to do was push that button, and they would stop whatever they were doing.

He calmed down a lot at the hospital, and was very brave when they numbed his chin, and started stitching him up.  He pushed to button only once, and everyone immediately backed up, and once he was ready for them to continue, they did.  He got 4 stitches.
On our way home, he asked if he could go to school, now.  After a Wendy's Frosty, and a shirt change (why we always carry spare in the van), I brought him to school, and we walked to his classroom.
He admitted to being scared, and asked me if I could stay with him, in class.  The teacher called down to the office, and got permission for me to stay, this time.
I set myself up at the back of the class, behind him.  For the first hour, he looked back constantly, to check that I was still there, but as he began to focus on the teacher, the searching looks got fewer and farther between.
A few minutes before the end of the day, the Principal, school therapist, and bus driver pulled us out of class a few minutes early.  Mr Boy was scared that he was in trouble, but the therapist quickly assured him that was not the case.
She apologized to him for not introducing him to a bus during his IEP/SN orientation to the school (This is her first school year at the school), and promised to do that next year for the SN students.
We brought him outside, and the Therapist and bus driver helped him familiarize himself with where his bus would be parked, and we helped him get comfortable with the stairs, helping him go up and down several times.

He was still apprehensive, but some of his nerves had dissipated by the time the bell rang.
The 2nd-5th graders all came out to load the busses (the K-1st and led out by the teachers), and we stood by, waiting for Miss Girl, as the older kids loaded the bus.  One of the players from my older soccer team (I coach 3rd and 5th graders) approached me, and having seen what happened that morning, asked Mr Boy how he was doing.  He reassured Boy that it would be okay, and promised to sit with him if he wanted.  Mr Boy let out a shy smile, and nodded feverishly, in agreement to that deal.  So, when Miss Girl finally arrived at the bus, Player helped Mr Boy up the stairs, and took a seat with the twins, near the front of the bus (where all the little kids sit by default).

I told the bus driver I'd meet them at the bus stop, and then hurried to my car before the busses finished loading.

When the bus arrived home, Player was true to his word, and walked Mr Boy to the front of the bus.  Miss Girl came off first, and turned around, to give her brother encouragement.  With grave concentration etched across his face, and his trusty spotter behind him, Mr Boy made it off the bus safetly, and had a big grin on his face as he gave his sister and me a hug.

I thanked my Player last night at practice, and he shrugged it off.  He said, "They are part of the team-family, Coach.  And you look out for your team-family"

This morning, my boss let me come in late again, to make sure things went smoothly for the twins.
When the bus pulled up, Player came up to the front of the bus, and made sure Mr Boy made it in safely.  Even though his job could have ended there, he led the twins to the back of the bus, to the seats he'd saved, and introduced them to the other 5th graders.

Today is the first day I truly believe he will be okay this school year.

03 March 2014


Bullies have been a fact of life.  Just about my entire life.
When I first came to live with my parents, I started school (kindergarten) late, but by the end of the school year, I was on 2nd grade material.
I was the new kid in town, I was a foster kid, and I was smart.  In a small farming community, I stuck out like a cat in the chicken coop.
I made enemies faster than I made friends.  I actually only made 2 friends....my new sister, and another girl in my class.
From my isolated existence, the sudden onslaught of people my age overwhelmed me, and scared me.
Added to that, the fact that I have Autism (diagnosed several years later), I didn't do well in school, socially.

I was small for my age.  I was ahead in my classes.
The bullying started out as weird looks, quiet comments, and distance.
Slowly, it became more.  I was the "bastard child", the "stupid nerd", etc.
When it got out that my mom had actually abandoned us and my bio dad, I was the "unwanted orphan", "the retard nobody could love"
I had speech issues, and I wasn't very coordinated.  I didn't know how to interact with the other kids, let alone defend myself against these attacks.
By 5th grade, I had my diagnosis, but it didn't help the situation much.  Our school was not equipped to handle "different" students.  The nearest school that could was across state lines.
By 5th grade, I'd developed socially, but not nearly to the level of my peers.  I played in a local soccer league, but was on the team from across town, to limit my exposure to the toxic kids from my school.  The teams were mixed, and the players ranged from 7-11 for our grouping.
I was a half decent goalie, and the day we played the team from my side of town, I didn't let a single ball past me.
There were small remarks with every missed opportunity, but none that the adults could hear.
My bullies were too smart to get me in front of our parents.
The following week, though, they caught me outside the school, my (foster/adoptive) mom having driven me (I'd stopped riding the bus years before).  They shoved me against a wall, and hit me.  When I tried to run away, I was thrown against the wall, and broke my wrist.  I collapsed to the ground, where I was kicked, stomped, and hit.  A custodian coming out of the building saw what was happening, and pulled them off of me.  I was sent to the hospital, and it took several hours for them to get ahold of either of my parents.  I had broken both bones in my wrist, had bruises up and down my trunk, to the point that they thought I had organ damage.  I had 2 teeth knocked out (both baby teeth), a broken eye socket, and a massive concussion, with bleeding in my brain.
I was in the hospital for more than 2 weeks, developed an infection in my head (meningitis), and had to be sedated.

My parents sued to school district when the boys who did it were let off with a slap on the wrist.
The school district tried to tell them that I was not welcome back to the school, because I was "creating disruptions"  They told my parents that I would have to attend a different school, nearly an hour away, and that my parents would have to provide my transportation.

My parents won their case.  And in doing so, the School District was forced to fund my grade-school education, at any private or public school of my parents' choice.
My parents' lawyer came up with a list of schools that could cater to my special needs, were safe (bully-wise), and could provide me with an education at my level.
My parents let me make the decision, and finalized my adoption when DCS wouldn't agree with my choice.
When I was 9 years old, I got on a plane for the first time, heading for boarding school in England.
I was the youngest kid in the secondary (middle/high) school.  The school paired me with a 12yo student, who shared several of my classes, and was a kind and well-liked kid.
He helped others understand my weirdness, and got me a gig helping out the rugby captain with his lessons.  After that, I wasn't picked on a single time in my schooling.
I only had a handful of friends, but the other students respected the "weird Yank", and would include me in group activities, if I showed interest.

When I started college, as a minor, my parents were very hesitant.  They were scared that the unchecked world of adult schooling might bring back the nightmares of elementary school.
They finally agreed to let me go to a school with one of my sister's good friends, in Chicago.
He looked out for me, and when he joined a fraternity, we were a package deal.
I dealt with my share of hazing, and was definitely mother-henned by my housemates (my mother threatened bodily harm if anything happened to me), but I bloomed socially, and really learned to adapt.

After my daughter passed away in Dec 2001, (and after 9/11), I joined the Army.
I went from law student, to Medic student, to deployment in a matter of 9 months.
Having ASD gave me a distinct advantage over my classmates: obsession.
I went into Iraq knowing as much as any one person (without first hand experience) could know about Combat Medicine.
I didn't make too many friends, but I saved lives, and gained trust.  I wasn't invited to eat meals with "the guys", but I was offered extra rations by those who knew me.
I found my niche in the world, and extended several times, for a sum total of 18mo in the sandbox.
I got so used to the environment, that returning to the US was a culture shock.
I returned when everyone was still proud of us....but I returned with a heavy load, one no one knew how to cope with.

The military wasn't prepared for PTSD, and society didn't even know what it was.
I was verbally attacked for my anxiety levels, and jumpiness.  I was harassed by troops who questioned how we could wash out....they hadn't deployed.  They hadn't spent 18mo covered in the blood of their brothers.
Everyone turned their backs on me.  No one cared, no one wanted to help.  I was floundering in the weight of my own world, and they just watched me drown.
When I tried to seek out Mental Health, I was told to "Suck it up, don't be a pussy....... Be a f***ing man"
When I sought out the comfort of a pastor, I was turned away for being "A sinner, a murderer, and an abomination"
And when I hit rock bottom, and found myself seeking solace in a bottle of liquor, a bottle of pills, and a long way down to the street below, not a single person noticed.

I had lost my daughter, my innocence, my happiness, by best friend, and my own soldiers.
And everyone was too busy telling me what I should be doing, to realize what I couldn't even be bothered to do: Live.

I had been attacked so many times in my life, I never bothered to ask for help twice.  I "knew" the answer would always be no. It would never change.

Fortunately, my sister (a rapid-cycle bipolar) recognized the signs of trouble, and came for me in my final hours.  She was the fighter, she knew how to make the system react.  She got me help.

Its been over 10yrs, most spent in therapy, and working out medication cocktails.
I've dealt with major bullying two more times since then.
My old unit was notorious for it.  We had investigations left and right.
I did my best to protect my soldiers from the BS that flowed, and the narcissism.
Every time I thought I'd made a step forward, I would get shoved backwards.
Every time I thought I'd found an avenue to success, my unit would light that bridge on fire.
I took on a lot of things, to keep my soldiers sane, but in the process I almost lost myself again.
I was getting hit left and right by people who outranked me, and there was nothing I could do, especially with the hierarchy of my unit.
The only saving graces were my family, and my PCS date.
I was threatened with UCMJ for protecting my soldiers.
I was threatened with UCMJ for doing what we were told to do.
I was threatened with UCMJ for doing my job.
I was threatened with UCMJ for not doing everyone else's job.

I survived, I got the hell out of dodge, and I'm in one piece.

The second time I've dealt with bullying since then:
I have Autism.  My personal filter doesn't always work, and then sometimes I say or post things that may be unpopular, or too unfiltered.
There was one time I posted something (a meme) with a variation of the word "retard".
At the time, I didn't see what the fuss was about.  I saw past the word to the content of the meme.
I was attacked and unfriended by dozens.
I had "friends" calling for complete boycotts of anything to do with me, and wanting to run me out of the blogosphere with torches and pitch forks.
I had people who had supported me, resign their positions, and disappear from my life.

Most of those people, some who are still my "friends" just waiting for the next riot opportunity, are the same people advocating for ASD kids.
The same people who want their kids to live bully-free.

My mom has only ever wanted me to live bully-free.  My mom is so proud of what I've done with my life, and loves that I've become "social enough" to share myself on the blog stream.
She wanted me to be given a chance.  To be forgiven for my mistakes.  And to be educated, instead of attacked and belittled.

I can only be thankful that my mom never saw what my "friends" did to me.  It would have broken her heart.
And unlike those "friends", I forgive mistakes, because I want my kids, both NT and ASD, to be given second chances.
My entire life, beyond 8 years old, when I finally woke up in that hospital, has been a second chance.
My entire life, beyond 23 years old, when my sister talked me down from ending my life, has been a second chance.

08 November 2013

Crimson Carnations/E3- Child Abuse (old mentalist fanfic)

Crimson Carnations
Episode 3 Part 1
Dedicated to Anna Mae

***Setting: Jane, Lisbon, and Rigsby get out of the car outside of a well kept house, three police cars are parked in the street, two in the driveway. It is a clear night with a slight chill in the air. The medical examiner is walking out of the house as they get to the front door.***

Lisbon and Jane greet the medical examiner, he has a grave look on his face, ?It?s a child?? All he says before he moves past them, back to his van. They each take a deep breath before crossing the threshold into the large foyer. Jane first notices photographs on a table, the largest one of a girl, about 5 years old. ?That was taken just a few weeks ago, her first school picture?? the father appears in the doorway, ??she was so excited about starting school?? He tears up looking at the picture and heads back through the doorway into the arms of his wife.

?The body is up here,? a uniformed officer says as he leads them up the stairs. ?The girl came home from school around 2:15, she wasn?t feeling good. She ate a snack and finished her homework; she went upstairs to take a nap around 4pm?? he flips the page of his notepad, ??around 6:30pm the mother came upstairs to wake her and found the daughter, already deceased?? The officer leads them into the master bedroom, ?She took her naps in here, her parents travel a lot; she likes to sleep where she can smell them, according to the mother.?

?Liked,? Jane corrects, ?she liked to sleep where she could smell them?now it?ll be the opposite??

?What is the cause of death?? Lisbon changes the subject, glancing at Patrick as he turns to look around at the walls and the pictures on them.

?Too soon to tell,? Jane answers causing Lisbon to look at him again with a questioning look. He walks over to the bed where the body is lying. He shudders slightly as he gets his first look at the girl?s body, ?She wasn?t shot, stabbed, or strangled. Not suffocation because there is not hemorrhaging in the eyes, and that usually happens, right doc?? 
The medical examiner had just returned to the room and having overheard what Jane said, takes defense, ?I won?t know anything until I get her back to the morgue??

Crimson Carnations
Episode 3 Part 2
Jane looks at a few more pictures before going back downstairs; Lisbon follows him figuring he might uncover something useful. Jane finds the grieving parents in the kitchen, sitting with an officer and a neighbor. He excuses the officer and takes the vacated chair for himself. He looks at a piece of paper on the table before looking at the parents, ?Mr. and Mrs. McAllister, I am deeply sorry for your loss, I was hoping I could ask you a few questions about your daughter??

??Abigail, but she likes to be called Abbey,? Mrs. McAllister answers, she nods for him to proceed with the questions.

?How long have you two been married??

?Nearly seventeen years,? answers Mrs. McAllister.

?I see that in nearly all the family reunion pictures you were always holding a child, so I know you adore children,? he tilts his head slightly, ??but you didn?t have a kid until five years ago, so I assume you had fertility problems and that Abbey was adopted.?

Mrs. McAllister nods and adds, ?We tried for twelve years before we decided to try adoption?We were very blessed to have found Abbey so quickly, we brought her home when she was seven months old.?

?She is-was the light of our lives, she loved to read books every night, she was always smiling?.she was so shy for the longest time. It took four months before she would let us leave her with the nanny?? Mr. McAllister tears up again.

?Was she usually with the nanny?? Lisbon asks.

?I just got promoted within my company so I?m working in the evening. I see her off to school and check on her after she?s asleep?My husband, Brandon, is in the middle of a brutal buyout with his company, so he has been gone a lot in the past month?Michelle gets her dressed for school in the morning and takes care of her after school until bedtime. Brandon was supposed to take next week off and stay at home for her so she doesn?t think we?d abandoned her?? At this they both become inconsolable, so Jane gets up and goes back to the hallway.

Lisbon follows, thinking he?s going outside, but realizes he is going upstairs. When he gets to the top of the stair he turns down the hallway, away from the master bedroom. He comes upon a pink door with ?Abbey?s Abode? written on the door in hot pink. He opens the door and is flooded by the pinks and purples coming from the room. He enters cautiously as Lisbon comes up behind him, ?What the hell are you doing in here?? She questions.

Crimson Carnations
Episode 3 Part 3

?That girl didn?t die naturally; something in here might tell us what happened to her. He picks up a feathered wand, looks it over, and puts it back down. He begins opening up the drawers of her desk until he comes upon a drawer with cassette tapes in it. He picks one up and reads the crayon scrawled label. ?# 14 KRI2Ma2? is written, he looks at a few more of the labels, ?She kept a diary,? he states, turning to show Lisbon the cassettes as she says, ?She was five, what kind of diary-.? She looks at the tapes and sighs as she sees about two dozen more in the drawer, ?You can have the honor of listening to all of those, the rest of us will stick to the investigation?? She leaves him there, collecting up all the tapes in his arms. He is reaching for the last few when Brandon McAllister walks into the room.

?Is it really necessary to take those, they are all we have left,? he questions.

?Something happened to your daughter, these might tell us something important?Don?t worry, I?ll make sure they get returned?Is there a tape player that goes with these??

Brandon turns around and rummages through a bookshelf until he finds what he?s looking for. He grabs it and turns to offer it to Jane. Jane hesitates a second before taking it, ?My daughter had one of these?? Jane says softly.

?We got that when Abbey was a baby, we?ve had it for over four years, she loved it so much. She started keeping her so-called diary about a year ago, mostly it was just her singing her songs, telling jokes, and playing the piano?.not much of a diary?? He grabs a pink pony adorned bag off a hook on the wall and gently helps Jane put the player and tapes inside.

Patrick follows as Brandon leads the way down a different set of stairs, leading directly into the kitchen. Rigsby and Lisbon are sitting with the wife, asking more questions, when they enter Patrick nods towards the front door signifying that he is finished. He turns to Brandon who then says, ?Its so hard knowing she won?t be here anymore, I just can?t believe she?s gone.?

Patrick puts his hand on Brandon?s shoulder and squeezes gently, ?I wish I could tell you it gets easier,? his eyes water a bit, ?but it never does?? With that Patrick leaves, not waiting for Lisbon or Rigsby.

?He lost his daughter?? Rigsby explains before following Lisbon out.

Crimson Carnations
Episode 3 Part 4

***Back at CBI HQ Jane has set up camp at his couch. He piled all the cassettes in numerical order, a few bottles of water, and trail mix. He pulls the tape player out of the bag and begins listening to the tapes. Lisbon and Rigsby are discussing the case when they receive a phone call.***

?Agent Rigsby, CBI?? Rigsby answers. His demeanor changes quickly, ?Oh, hey Van Pelt. How is it going in Nevada? Oh, that bad, yeah?.sitting right here.?

He covers the mouth piece and turns to Jane, ?Why does she want to talk to you?? Jane is as surprised as Lisbon and Rigsby, but just smiles and takes the phone from Rigsby.

?Hello Van Pelt, how is Cho doing?....I told you two not to get the seafood special, I?m glad one of you listened?..Is that right?...I?m sure Lisbon won?t mind, what do you have in mind?....Okay, she?ll definitely mind that, but no problem?.Yeah, don?t worry, she?ll get over it?.Okay, see you then?..Bye.?

Lisbon has a scowl on her face as Jane hangs up, ?I?m going to take off for a little while,? he announces, returning to the table to grab all the tapes. ?I might be back tomorrow, want to put off the rest of the investigation until then, or continue without me??

?Where the hell do you think you?re going?? Lisbon demands, grabbing his arm and turning him around.

?Silver Springs,? he answers simply.

?That?s where Van Pelt and Cho are, they?re retrieving the arsonist guy, for the chief. You know that guy killed 6 people?? Rigsby interjects.

Crimson Carnations
Episode 3 Part 5

Lisbon looks at him and gives him a look that makes him shut up. ?Why are you going to Silver Springs??

?Sorry, not allowed to say?? He finishes collecting the tapes and walks over to Van Pelts desk, retrieving something out of the middle drawer. He whistles as he gently slings the pony bag over his shoulder and struts out.

Lisbon exhales angrily, and turns back to Rigsby, ?Get Van Pelt on the phone and figure out what?s going on.? She leaves to go get more coffee.

The phone rings several times before Van Pelt answers, ?Hey Van Pelt, Lisbon is not happy, she wants to know what?s going on??Yeah, she was standing right here the entire time?..Well I can?t tell her anything until I know what?s really going on?.You left them behind? Oh man that is not good?.Yeah, he just left, he should be there in three hours if he doesn?t hit traffic?.Oh yeah, he is driving through the middle of nowhere, he shouldn?t hit traffic.?

Rigsby eyes Lisbon turning the corner coming back, ?So this friend really wanted Jane to drive all the way out there? She must be some friend for him to drive three hours just to see her?.Okay, well have fun?.Bye.? He hung up on the slightly confused Van Pelt as Lisbon sat own across from him. ?One of Jane?s friends works over in Silver Springs, he is going to go see her??

?Her?? Lisbon responds with a faint hint of jealousy.

Rigsby nods and returns to the papers in front of him, leaving Lisbon to sit silently with her imagination.

***Meanwhile, Patrick has made it out to the parking, looking for Van Pelts jeep. He finds it, unlocks it, and grabs a folder wedged between the seats.***

?Van Pelt?...Yeah I have the Transfer of Custody papers. How could you forget them?....Don?t worry, I?ll be there in a few hours?.Okay, bye.? He hangs up as he reaches his car, pulling off the pony bag as he takes his seat behind the wheel. He starts the engine and ejects the tape from the tape player in his dash; he takes the tape he was listening to out of Abbey?s tape player and puts it into the slot in his dash. He pulls out of the parking lot as Abbey finishes singing ?Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star?.

***Elapsed time, 45 minutes later, he is on the open road, not another car for miles. He ejects a tape and puts it in a plastic bag. He pulls another tape out of the pony bag, makes sure its #17, the next one, and slides it into the player.***

?Mommy, its time to practice!? yells a little girl?s voice. There are a few bumps as the girl put the player down on a hard surface. Mrs. McAllister says in the background, ?Start without me, I?ll be there in a minute.?

?Okay, mommy?? The little girl begins to play a song. Jane steps on the brakes and pulls to the side of the road. He sits there and listens to the song being played, the last song he heard his own daughter play. He sits in silence, even after the song has ended, ending the very short tape. He quivers slightly as a tear streams from his eye and he bites his lip, trying to hold back the tears.

Crimson Carnations
Episode 3 Part 6

It takes a while for him to regain his composer, and when he does, he removes the tape and puts in another one. He pulls back out on the road, drying his eye one last time.

The next few tapes are some more singing. He finishes #21 as he a pulls into a motel parking lot in Silver Springs. Van Pelt darts out of one of the motel rooms and runs up to him, giving him a big hug, and thanking him profusely. He hands over the folder and grabs the tapes before following Van Pelt back to her motel room. He gets a suspicious look from an old lady sweeping some steps. ?We don?t want our spouses finding out, her husband?s a cop!? He tells her, causing her to scurry away.

?Do you always have to make trouble?? Van Pelt complains, opening the door to let him into the room. Cho is sitting on one of the two beds, reading a book, and not looking too good.

?I?m just teasing,? Jane replies to Van Pelt before turning to Cho, ?Who told you not to eat the seafood?? He smiles as Cho gives him a look of contempt. ?So what did you tell Rigsby when he called for Lisbon to find out what?s going on??

?Told him what was going on and then he started talking about your friend really wanting to see you, your lady friend??

?Cover story, Van Pelt. At least he was quick on his feet. Now if you hurry, you can get your guy and get back tonight?I think I?ll stay here the night, play with Lisbon?s imagination. And you?.? He turns to Van Pelt, pointing his finger, ??will tell her nothing of it.?
Van Pelt opens her mouth to rebuttal, but decides to go with the flow, returning a smirk, ?Fine, but I?m not going to get in trouble for your prank, you?ll take all the blame??

He smiles and gives her a thumbs up, ?Fine with me, what?s the worst that can happen??

?This is wrong in so many ways,? Cho adds as he gets off the bed and gathers his things.

Van Pelt leaves the room first, smiling shyly at the old lady who had returned to her sweeping. Cho follows shortly, putting on his tie as Jane 
waves them off. At this the old lady lets out a squeal, ?Oh, dear God!? Jane smiles at her and waves to her as well before closing the door and returning to his tapes.

Crimson Carnations
Episode 3 Part 7

He listens to the rest of the tapes without anything interesting popping up. He?s just about give up when he gets an idea. He remembers when his daughter had one of these tape players. It had a storage compartment for one cassette on the back of the player. He flips the player around and slides the plastic away, revealing another tape inside. He grabs it out of the compartment and into the player. He rewinds it to the beginning and presses play.

?It hurts a lot, especially when I poke it?..Michelle says I was a bad girl, bad girls are punished.? Jane fast forwards, ??and mommy don?t want damaged goods, that?s what she said, she and Greg said if I told them what happened I?d be sent away, and never see mommy or daddy again, because they wouldn?t want me?? Jane can?t believe his ears, ??I don?t like wearing my sweater all the time, but Greg says that if I don?t, mommy and daddy will see that I?m damaged goods?.they?ll throw me away like they do the icky food.?

***Shows both sides of the conversation this time.***

Jane gets up, a newfound fury raging inside of him. His adrenaline is pumping so hard, he almost misses his phone ringing. ?What?? he yells into the receiver.

?Holy ***, Jane!!? Lisbon responds, pulling the phone away from her ear and proceeding to rub it.

He checks himself and returns to his phone call. ?What do you want?? He tries for a more pleasant tone this time.

?Autopsy is back??

??she was beaten to death?? He shudders in anger.

?How did you know that??

?I know who did it and I have the evidence to prove it? It was the nanny and a guy named Greg?? He hangs up the phone and grabs the 
tapes. He gets into his car and speeds back to CBI. He doesn?t hear his phone ring as he plays the tape over and over again.

Less than two hours later, he pulls into the CBI parking lot. He walks calmly into the CBI office, almost going unnoticed until Rigsby waves at him. Van Pelt stares as he sets down the tapes, she is clearly anticipating something. Jane stands there for several minutes before a ruckus in the hall grabs his attention. Lisbon and Cho walk in following a guy and a girl in handcuffs. ?Put Michelle in interrogation, ladies first?.Sit down Greg,? Lisbon commands as she shoves him into a seat. See then turns her attention to Jane, but as she approaches him, before she even gets a word out, he goes off. ?Is that him,? he points at Greg, striding past Lisbon with his fists clenched. He knocks Greg to the ground with a single blow before pulling him to his feet and shoving him against the wall. ?How do you like it, you worthless son of a ***?? 
He lands another one, square on Greg?s chin.

At this point, Lisbon, Cho, Van Pelt, and Rigsby come running to break up the fight. 

?Its not as much fun on the receiving end is it?? He lands a few more blows before Rigsby pulls Greg away from Jane and Cho grabs Jane from behind. ?I want to press charges!!?

Jane continues to struggle and nearly breaks free, when Lisbon hits him in the face, causing him to crumble to the floor. She flips him over, yanking his arm as she forces the cuffs on. ?Patrick Jane, you are under arrest for assault and battery. You have the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used against you in the court of law. You have the right to an attorney, if you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed to you by the state. Do you understand these rights as they have been read to you?? She digs her knee into his back as he struggle a bit. She kneels to his ear whispering, ?Stop struggling and cooperate if you want to get out of this with your freedom. You?ve done some stupid things, this is at the top of the list??

Crimson Carnations
Episode 3 Part 8

*Everyone needed some cool off time*

?Are you really that stupid? Assaulting a man in the middle of CBI?? Patrick sits there; he continues holding the ice pack to his face, not saying anything to Lisbon. She takes the icepack from him, and hands him a piece of gauze to stop his bleeding lip. ?You?re going to have to say something eventually??she puts her hand on his shoulder, ??we all wanted to do it, I know that doesn?t make it right, but we are not the enemy here?? Jane still says nothing, but makes eye contact for a second before looking back at the wall.

Lisbon decides to take a break; she grabs the first aid kit and tosses the icepack into Jane?s lap. ?I?ll come back when you stop acting like a baby?? She locks the door of the holding cell before turning and leaving.

She hears yelling as she approaches the office and hastens her pace to investigate. She turns the corner and immediately retreats as she sees Minelli yelling at her team. Unfortunately, he notices her and, giving up on the team, follows her. He grabs her by the arm and leads her into an empty observation room. ?Why is your man assaulting prisoner? You get him under control before you kiss your career good bye.? He says under his breath as he turns to leave, ?He should have stayed in the loony bin after his family died, would have saved us all a lot of trouble??

Minelli?s statement gives Lisbon pause, she stands for a minute, with this sudden outlet into Jane?s life. She holds onto the thought as she heads to go talk to her team; continuing the investigation seems to be the only viable choice, the only one within her comfort zone. She sends Cho and Van Pelt to interrogate Michelle while she and Rigsby join Greg in the interrogation room.

Crimson Carnations
Episode 3 Part 9

?Mr?? Lisbon reads his criminal record, ??West, wow, you have a long record here?Assault and Battery, Concealed weapons charges, Sexual Battery?.The list just keeps going, doesn?t it??

?I still want to press charges against that ***!? Greg spits out.

?See that is where our problem starts?.If that man goes to jail, then you?ll be charged with first degree murder?? She looks him in the eyes, ?While I think that is what you deserve, I have been told we are willing to reduce from life to 25. That, however, is only if you forget about filing that assault charge.?

?Screw you lady, I didn?t do nothing!?

Rigsby grabs the guy and shoves him against the wall, holding him there with a forearm to the neck, ?You stupid bastard, we have proof, Abbey told us everything!!?

?You just said she was dead???

?She is, at your hands. She had a diary, it talked about the bruises you left?There is more than enough to get you life, this deal is the only chance you?ve got?.? Lisbon starts walking toward the door

?What does it mean to you if that prick does free?he?s crazy!?

Lisbon comes at Greg, ?Most people in this world take issue with people who kill children, Greg? If you think that beating was bad, wait until you get to prison. Child beaters, molesters, and killers have the highest mortality rate in prison?There are plenty of ways for them to find out what you did?and there are just as many ways to prevent anyone from finding out?.?

?It was Michelle!? Greg finally blurts out. ?She just flipped the other day, I don?t know what happened, she took it out on the kid?.all I did was grab her once, just to make sure she didn?t tell anyone, that?s it, honestly!?

Lisbon and Rigsby leave the interrogation room and walk down the hall to the interrogation room that is housing Michelle. Lisbon opens the door and summons Cho out of the room; she enters the room and takes a seat next to Van Pelt.

?Ms. Hawke?.Mr. West told us what you did. He told us that you beat Abigail McAllister to death?He said ?she just flipped the other day??want to elaborate??

?My daughter?..They wouldn?t let me see my daughter??

?Who wouldn?t let you see your daughter??

?Her new mom and dad?..I talked to the social worker?.she said that my daughter?s family didn?t want anything to do with me?..?

?What does that have to do with anything?? Lisbon flips through a few pages of Michelle?s file.

?About a week ago, I got a phone call from my daughter?s social worker, saying that my request for visitation had been denied?

?So you took it out on Abbey?? Van Pelt condemns.

?I?ve been taking care of that girl since she was three! I did everything for her, while her parents traveled and continued on with their live. I fed her, bathed her, taught her to read and ride a bike. I should have been doing that for my daughter, not their daughter?She just never left me alone, always bugging me, wanting me to play dress up, or wanting to go for walks?..She wouldn?t shut up, even after the cough syrup, she was always running her mouth?I told her to be quiet, I was on the phone with someone important?she starts singing her stupid little songs. She wouldn?t stop, I just needed some quiet time!?

?Well Ms. Hawke, your need for quiet time caused Abbey to bleed internally. She died a slow and painful death. What she probably thought was a tummy ache killed her?Is she quiet enough for you now?? Lisbon and Van Pelt get up and walk out of the room. When they get into the hallway Rigsby walks slowly up to them with a piece of paper in his hand.

?What?s up,? Lisbon asks, before recognizing a look of horror on his face.

?They were running the DNA in the case, they found Michelle Hawke?s daughter?? He hands Lisbon the piece of paper he?s holding. She looks at it and is suddenly filled with horror as well. She opens the door of the interrogation room and walks up to the table, opposite of Michelle.

?We found your daughter?.? She slides the paper across the table. ?You killed her??

Michelle Hawke looks at the paper and sees Abigail?s postmortem photograph along with the results of the DNA analysis. ?No, this can?t be!!? She screams as Lisbon once again walks out of the room.

Lisbon enters the holding cell, Jane is still sitting in the same position and doesn?t acknowledge her presence. ?Come on,? she tells him, as she holds the door open. He doesn?t budge. She walks up to him and grabs his arm, pulling him off the bench on which he was sitting. ?Damn it, Jane! Come on, let?s go!?

With the added encouragement he moves, he leaves the holding area, not saying anything. He grabs his keys off the coffee table on his way out, leaving his CBI badge where it lay. ?Is he coming back?? Cho asks, though no one knows the answer.

***Jane is standing in a cemetery, looking out across the vast expanse of stones. In his hand he holds a bouquet of crimson carnations. ***

He kneels down and places the carnations gently against the gravestone and smiles slightly, ?You would have killed me for the way I acted today?.Happy Anniversary? He talks to the wind.

?This is a beautiful place,? Brandon McAllister startles Patrick as he appears under a nearby tree, ?It?s so peaceful??

Patrick nods an acknowledgement and stands, ?Is this where your daughter will be put laid to rest??

?Yeah?..I think Abbey will find peace here?.Is this-?? he gestures toward the gravestone in which Jane placed the flowers.

?This one is my wife?.this one?,? he places his hand softly on a nearly identical, but smaller, stone, ??is our daughter?? Jane?s eyes water slightly.

?I?m sorry?.it must be so hard to have lost both of them?,? he reads the dates on the stones, ??at the same time.?

?It was my punishment?..?

***Fades Out***

Code Red-1 & 2 (old mentalist fanfic)

  • ***Setting: Jane and Lisbon are running down the dark street chasing two of the serial bank robbers who have been terrorizing San Diego for several months. The armed suspects turn into a crowded parking garage, Jane enters first, followed cautiously by Lisbon.***
    ?Slow down Jane, are you trying to get yourself killed?? Lisbon remarks as she pulls her gun up and turns on her flashlight. They could hear the echoing of footsteps ahead, and Jane turned back to Lisbon, ?Why would I do that? I?m just having a bit of fun.?
    ?You?re not even armed, what are you going to do, charm the guns out of their hands?? Lisbon responds. ?That would be fun-, ?Jane halts as gunshots ring out ahead and they hear several screams. They hasten their pace and come upon several bodies, one with a little girl over it;?Daddy?? the girl cries tugging on her dead father?s shirt. Jane takes hold of the little girl and holds her close as he retreats behind a car with Lisbon, unsure of where the gunmen are hiding. ?Shhh, shhhh, what?s your name?? She looks up at his face and hiccups, ?Nina Gomez.?
    ?Nina, that?s a pretty name. My name?s Patrick. Are you hurt, Nina??
    ?I scraped my knee but my daddy is sleeping and my mommy is hurt, she has a booboo on her tummy.?
    ?Where is your mommy, Nina?? Lisbon asks, scanning the surrounding area.
    ?In the van,? Nina points at a blue minivan with its side door and passenger doors open; Lisbon can see a hand sticking out of the passenger doorway. They sprint across the open space to the van and hear bullets hitting the ground near their feet. Jane pushes Nina into the van and slides her between the seats, ?Stay down Nina, pretend you?re playing Hide-and-Seek with your brothers.? Lisbon turns to him quizzically and he points to the picture on the dash showing Nina with three boys and her parents. Lisbon then turns her attention to Nina?s mom. ?Mrs. Gomez? Mrs. Gomez? Are you okay??
    Lisbon checks her pulse and discovers it is very weak. She pulls out her radio, ?Rigsby, where are you guys, we needed back up ten minutes ago?? Her radio crackles, ?We are five minutes out, we had to wait for the ambulances.? Jane chimes in, ?I don?t think she has enough time to wait, and no ambulance is going to get her in the middle of a fire fight.?
    ?Damn it Jane, I hate when you?re right. You need to take them and get out of here,? she finds the keys on the floor and hands them to Jane. ?I need to evacuate the rest of the garage before someone else gets killed.? She jumps out and shuts the sliding door behind her. She carefully closes the passenger door as more gunshots rain out, this time from the floor above. She turns back to Jane, who is fumbling with the keys, ?Get the hell out of here, Jane!!!? she yells as she runs toward the gunfire. He throws the van into reverse as soon as he turns the engine telling Nina to hold on. He pulls out and then switches to drive before accelerating out of the garage. He tells Nina to get into her car seat and buckle up after they are a safe distance from the garage and continues speeding towards the hospital.
    ***Lisbon is running up the ramp to the next level as several civilians run past her***
    ?Hurry up, move quickly toward the exit,? she commands the frightened civilians. She kneels down as she enters the platform where she can hear the suspects. She weaves between cars before coming across a teen boy bleeding from his leg. ?That son of a *** shot me!!? he screams, obviously fine. ?Shut up kid, or I?m going to shoot you,? she points her gun at him and he silences himself. She looks over the hood of the car they?ve taken refuge behind and sees that one of the other two suspects have joined the first two. She kneels down to collect her thoughts and to try to stop the boys bleeding. ?Where is the last robber?? She asks herself. She hears something behind her and as she turns she feels the hot lead rip into her shoulder. ?Right here,? she hears as she begins to slip out of consciousness. She hears another gunshot and then nothing?..
    Commercial Break anyone????
    ?.Lisbon comes to as she hears more gunfire. She notices the body of the fourth robber lying beside her, motionless. It is then that she notices the man standing over her shooting her gun. Her vision is still foggy and she can?t make out his face, ?Rigsby?? The man turns to her and says, ?Ahh, Agent Lisbon, nice of you to join us.? She then notices the teenager holding his jacket over her injured shoulder, ?Hi,? he stammers, wincing at each discharge.
    ?I?ll be back in a minute,? says the stranger before getting up and walking way. She hears a short struggle followed by three consecutive gunshots. After a few more minutes the stranger comes back, ?Can you walk?? He asks the teen, who nods and stands up. The stranger then picks up Lisbon in his arms and carries her, while supporting the teen, out of the parking garage. Paramedics waiting outside receive the injured agent and teen. ?Thanks man!? yells the teen as the stranger walks away. ?No problem,? he responds as they are loaded into the ambulances.
    ?Lisbon, you need to come back to the scene, ASAP,? Van Pelt tells her on the phone as she recovers in the hospital. ?Is that Jane yelling in the background??
    ?Please just get here as soon as you can,? Van Pelt repeats before hanging up. Lisbon pulls the blankets off her legs and struggles out of bed, ?Cho, Cho? Wake up and hand me my clothes.? Cho startles awake and tries to object to whatever she?s planning but she gives him ?that look.? He hands her the bag of cloths and leaves, closing the door behind him. Several minutes later she walks out uneasily, wincing with every step. They sneak past the nurse?s station and out of the hospital?s ambulance bay.
    When they arrive at the scene a uniform waves them into the garage and they drive up to the yellow tape. Van Pelt and Cho help her out of the car and walk with her to where Jane was yelling, ?how could no one have seen his face!??? She looks at the scene and recoils in shock. The smiley face was dried on the concrete, the message stunned her ?Good thing I was keeping tabs???fade out
    The end

    Pt. 1

    ***Setting: fades into the scene of the crime and Lisbon is still looking at the smiley face and message. In the background Minelli is talking on the phone, back turned to the scene. Jane is pacing back and forth, obviously stressing. Minelli hangs up his phone, takes a deep breath, and turns finally noticing Lisbon standing there-a bit pale. ***
    ?What the hell are you doing here!!? I just got off the phone with the hospital, they went in to give you your pain meds and found you gone!! Get back there Lisbon, you are a civilian until you?re deemed fit to return to duty, you have no business being here.? He pulls Cho aside, ?If she isn?t back in that hospital bed in an hour then you can join her when I suspend you. And take Jane, too, he?s not worth a damn like this.?
    Van Pelt and Rigsby are standing to the side, Van Pelt is taking notes of the scene, and they are both eavesdropping on Minelli and Cho. They look back at Jane as he starts moving towards Lisbon. ?This is gonna be interesting,? Rigsby comments. ?How could HE have been right there,? he motions to the area right in front of her face, ?and you not see his face?? Lisbon steps back to avoid Jane?s arm as he demonstrates how close she was to his nemesis. ?Come on Patrick, you two will have plenty of time to chat when Lisbon gets back to the hospital, I?ll even let you go with her,? Minelli announces as he and Cho return to Lisbon. Lisbon turns to Minelli wide-eyed, ?Are you kidding-?
    ?Just go, now.? With that, he assists Cho in taking the two to the waiting squad car and puts them both in the back seat, ?I don?t want either of you two trying to run off before you get there,? he says as he handcuffs Lisbon?s good arm to Jane?s arm. ?Sir, is this really necessary?? Cho questions.
    ?I don?t want either of these two,? he looks at Lisbon and Jane,?anywhere near this investigation, and as soon as another team gets here, the rest of your team will be joining you all?.Now I?ll give you the key to those cuffs when I get to the hospital, if I find out that someone let them free, or they left the hospital, I will not only have yours and Lisbon?s badges but Van Pelt?s and Rigsby?s as well. You understand me??
    Cho gulps, and nods his head in understanding. Van Pelt and Rigsby rush over, ?You guys wouldn?t risk our careers over this right?? Van Pelt asks before Rigsby pushes her aside, ?I?ll kill the both of you if I lose my job because of you.?
    ?Please, just shoot me now,? Lisbon pleads, knowing that it will be a while before Minelli makes it down to the hospital.
    ?Well have a nice time,? Rigsby adds as he closes the door. Lisbon lifts her good arm to show Rigsby the finger, but Jane stops her by grabbing her with his free hand, ?That wouldn?t be very nice.? Lisbon, fuming at her current situation, jerks her hand free and leans back, looking at the roof of the car. She tries resting her arm across her abdomen, but with Jane?s hand following she resigns to keeping it at her side.

    Less than five minutes after Cho pulls away the new team arrives and Minelli dismisses Van Pelt and Rigsby and tells them to go to the hospital with the others until Internal Affairs talks to everyone.

    CODE RED Part 2

    At the hospital everyone is antsy; they don?t like just sitting around. Lisbon is sitting on the hospital bed and Jane is sitting next to her listening to music, unable to achieve much distance. After about an hour there is a gentle knock on the door, ?Excuse me, Ms. Lisbon you and Mr. Jane have a visitor,? informs the nurse as she opens the door. Nina Gomez walks in with flowers in her had, escorted by a young man pulling three boys behind him. Nina walks up to the bed and hands Lisbon all but one of the flowers, ?Thank you for protecting us from the bad men,? she walks around the bed to where Jane is seated. He is dropping his headphones into his lap as she hands him the single flower, ?Thank you for saving my mommy,? as she hugs him the room is silent, everyone knowing that even though her mom made it, her father wasn?t so lucky. Van Pelt wipes a tear from her eye, trying not to draw attention, but Nina takes notice, bringing her a tissue. ?Don?t worry, everything will be alright,? Nina comforts her, not knowing that the tears are for her. Those words bring tears to the eyes of the young man, still holding onto the three boys. He turns to Lisbon and Jane, ?God willing, she will keep her youthful innocence after it finally sinks in that our father is gone. Our father has taught me everything I know, but I fear he never taught me how to be a father to my brothers and sister.?
    Jane breaks into the conversation, ?No one can teach you how to be a father, it will take years to learn, and even then you?ll screw up a bit. But they?ll love you anyway and look up to you still. You just love them and keep them safe?.? he pauses, ?They?ll be okay in time and they?ll grow up knowing you did your best. Just listen to them and be there when they need a shoulder to cry on.?
    Jane?s statement sinks in for several minutes before Nina and her brothers depart to visit their mother. When the nurse comes in again, Lisbon inquires as to the condition of the teen from the parking garage. ?I?m not sure, but I can find out for you,? the nurse responded before leaving, again. An orderly drops off lunch a few minutes later, breaking the awkward silence that had ensued after the Gomez?s left.
    ?Are you really going to eat that?? Jane asks, causing Lisbon to shove a large spoonful of the mystery lunch into her mouth. Her expression changes from spite to slight disgust as she forces herself to swallow the acrid paste. Jane laughs and Van Pelt hides a smile with her hand. Lisbon reaches for her cup of juice and sends Jane?s hand crashing into the mystery paste, at this everyone erupts in laughter, even Cho cracks a smile. Lisbon tries to apologize through the laughter, but after repeated attempt, she gives up. Jane, taking advantage of Lisbon being distracted, takes to opportunity to retaliate, dropping her hand into the paste. ?Hey, that?s not nice,? she protests, shaking the goop off her hand. ?I should reprimand you for that.? Jane smiles his quirky smile, ?You started it??
    ?Come on children, behave yourselves,? Minelli says, walking into the room, ?we now have a bigger problem than messy hands. ?Agent Lisbon, you don?t remember anything at all about the man who killed the robbers??
    ?I didn?t see much of anything, but the kid, he should have seen the guy. The kid was conscious the entire time, as far as I know.?
    ?We should get a sketch artist in to see him as soon as we can??
    ?Code Yellow, attention hospital staff, we have a Code Yellow. Male patient, 19, GSW to the Femoral region, missing from Surgical Ward?.? Came on the loud speaker.
    ?Son of a ***,? Minelli yells, ?that?s our witness!!!? He runs out of the room, closely followed by Cho, Rigsby, and Van Pelt. Lisbon jumps off the bed and starts after them before being yanked backwards. She turns to see Jane is still sitting down, his MP3 spewed across the floor, in several pieces, ?Hey, that?s not nice?? he pouts. ?You aren?t supposed to be doing anything, that includes breaking other peoples stuff,? he complains pointing out his MP3 player.
    ?Just come on, I know this kid and Jeremy?s the only one who got a good look at Red John??
    At this, Jane rises to his feet and hops over the bed. Lisbon pulls him along as they move through the corridors, finally catching up with the others. They are standing in Jeremy?s room with no sign of the injured teen. There is a sketchbook on the bed, piled with papers and on top is a box of pencils. Rigsby goes to check the drawings, but as soon as he moves the pencil box, the pile explodes.
    ***Black out, ringing sound, Fades in again***

?Code Red,? yells the nurse through an intercom on the wall, ?I repeat, Code Red, with officers down!! Paging Dr. Allcome to the surgical floor for immediate evacuation?? 
Rigsby is on the floor his arm is on fire, and he?s screaming. Minelli grabs a blanket and extinguishes Rigsby?s arm as Jane lunges for the smoldering pages. Lisbon yanks Jane back as the fire erupts, catching the curtains and the rest of the bed, and Lisbon and Jane crash to the floor. Jane hits the floor, smashing his head as Lisbon falls next to him, hitting the adjoining bed on the way down. ?Son of a-,? She exclaims as pain shoots through her shoulder. She soon notices that Jane isn?t moving and manages to catch Van Pelts attention. The ringing in her ear fades enough to here Van Pelt cry, ??you killed Jane!!?
Minelli rushes over and, fumbling with his keys, unlocks the handcuffs. ?Patrick?? Lisbon pleads, ?Patrick wake up, damn it! Are you okay?? Jane?s eyes flutter, after a few seconds he focuses on Lisbon?s face, just 8 inches from his. ?You know it?s a crime to take advantage of disabled people??
?Yeah,? she remarks, getting up. ?He?s perfectly fine??
?But you?re not?? Van Pelt adds, pointing at Lisbon?s shoulder, where her gunshot wound is bleeding through her shirt. ??and neither is Rigsby.?
The fire continues to spread, ?We should probably move this party outside,? Jane says as the sprinklers come on. Minelli and Cho help Rigsby to out of the room as Van Pelt, Lisbon, and Jane follow them out. The hallway is busy as the staff works to evacuate the floor. Suddenly a scream rings out from the stairwell, Cho, Lisbon, Jane, and Van Pelt run to see what?s going on. An orderly and a patient are standing in the doorway, staring at something on the wall. Jane and Lisbon push past them and see a red smiley face on the concrete wall, a small envelope on the wall below it. Lisbon steps forward, following a trail of blood on the floor. As soon as she looks down the flight of stairs, she recoils in disgust, crying out, ?Oh, my god, Jeremy?? As she turns away, Jane pulls her into his arms, putting her back to the scene, and giving him a full view of the mangled corpse on the landing below. He tears the envelope off the wall before pulling Lisbon out into the hallway, away from Jeremy?s body. He finds an empty gurney nearby and has Lisbon sit down, instructing her to take deep breaths. After a few minutes, Lisbon has calmed down enough to focus back to the present. She takes the envelope from Jane and reads it. ?Agent Lisbon, CBI? Lisbon rips it open and unfolds the letter inside.
Dear miss Lisbon,
I feel this is an unfortunate situation and apologize for any trauma I may have caused you in this series of events. I fear that by coming to your rescue, I have compromised my safety and needed to correct my mistake. Though it was a bit unwise of me to meet you face to face, I believe our mutual friend, mister Jane, is in too fragile a state for more tragedy to befall him at this time. I hope that you never remember the events of last evening for fear that we may have to meet one last time. Please wish him well for me..  CODE RED Part 4
?Oh, my...,? is all Lisbon could manage as she hands the letter to Patrick. He reads it and sits down next to her. ?That bastard??Jane responds, also speechless. They sit there in silence as the world whizzes by, knowing that they were the two responsible for the series of events that lead up to this moment. Lisbon lets a single tear escape before turning to look at Jane. Jane has been sitting there, reliving his Red John encounters, and turns when he notices Lisbon looking at him. ?I want to get this cold-blooded bastard, I want to get him and kill him, slowly,? he tells her.

?It?ll be easier if you know what he looks like,? Lisbon responds.

?Yeah, but our only witness is?.dead,? he answers softly.

?You?ve used hypnotism for memory recall before, haven?t you?? she asks.

Jane looks at her stunned by the words that came out of her mouth, ?I thought you didn?t see anything??

?I?ve been on narcotics ever since, I didn?t even remember getting shot, when I woke up. We?ll never know until we try, and everyday Red John is out there means more bodies?? Lisbon responds, feeling that Jane will never let her live this down. She slips off the gurney and he follows. Van Pelt takes notice but, unsure what they are up to, says nothing to Cho as Lisbon and Jane enter the stairwell on the opposite end of the hall. Jane leads the way down the stairs and that is when Lisbon notices the blood, ?Patrick,? she says pausing as he turns back to look at her, ?Your head?The back of your head is bleeding.? He pulls a handkerchief out of his jacket and dabs the back of his head, wincing as it makes contact. He pulls it away and looks at the saturated cloth. ?First my MP3, then my head, you?re 2 for 2 today, Lisbon?? he mutters, just loud enough for her to hear among the echoes of footsteps.

They come out on the first floor of the hospital, the trauma ward. Lisbon looks away as Jane grabs a box of gauze and some icepacks off a shelf. ?Instead of playing doctor, you should get that checked out, head trauma can be serious,? she informs him when they meet up again outside. Jane pretends to not hear her, so Lisbon walks up to a paramedic about to get back into his rig, ?I?ll give you $50 to watch this guy for a few hours,? she tells him.

The paramedic looks at her, ?you?re kidding me, right? I?ve got better things to do than look after your boyfriend.?

Jane steps forward, reaches into Lisbon?s pocket and pulls out her badge, showing it to the paramedic, ?My ?girlfriend? will kick your ass if you don?t do what she says, trust me I know. Don?t let her short stature and her injured shoulder fool you.? Lisbon turns to yell at Jane, but he continues, ?Besides, she could arrest you for attempting to drive an automobile under the influence, and then you?d still be hanging out with us, but you?d also be out of a job?.Now you are going to say, 'Hi my name is Randy and I?ll be your driver today'.?
Randy hesitates, but seeing the look on Lisbon?s face, concedes, ?Hi, my name is Randy and I?ll be your driver today?..but what about my partner?? he asks pointing to a young woman walking out of the building. Lisbon and Jane look at each other , Lisbon answers, ?Well none of us can drive?if she asks, this is official CBI business.?

?Hey Carla, we?ve got another run to make,? Randy yells, waving her over. When she gets there he introduces everyone, ?We are supposed to keep an eye on this guy for the CBI, he messed up his head in the explosion.?

?I call shotgun,? Jane chants with a smile before catching Lisbon?s glare, ?you need to get your shoulder fixed up, and I don?t think Randy here would mind helping you out, though it?ll sadden him to know you?re wearing a pastel yellow camisole under that, too.? Lisbon shakes her head at Jane?s statement before following Randy into the back of the ambulance. Jane gets in, up front, and lets a squeal of glee escape as he sees all the buttons.

Before Carla starts the engine, she puts some of the gauze on Patrick?s head and gently puts an icepack on top. ?See Lisbon, that?s how it?s supposed to work, be nice to the injured person?not break their MP3 player!?

?Can you shut up about that stupid thing; you got hurt after I broke it!?

?So you admit it, you were the one who broke it??

?If you shut up, I?ll buy you a new one?

?Okay,? Patrick now turns his attention to Carla, ?You hear how mean she is? She treats me like this all the time, even when I give her everything she wants??

?Patrick!-?Lisbon is getting very impatient.

?Okay, maybe not everything?..she?s been wanting a Jamaican Lover?s Getaway, but work is just-?



?Dude, you need to shut up, you should know by now not to piss off your old lady,? Randy adds

?Oh my god, Jane, look what you started!?
After a few minutes of silence they pull into the CBI parking lot. Randy and Carla grab their bags, strap them to the gurney, and follow Jane and Lisbon into the building. ?Do we really need all of this?? Lisbon asks as they go through security.

?If anything happens its easier to have it with us than having to come back to get it all,? Carla replies. 
After getting through security Jane decides to take a seat on the gurney. Randy, who is pushing it, doesn?t mind but Lisbon holds back her opinion.

?So how did you know she was wearing a yellow tank top?? Randy asks.

Jane smirks, ?I?m psychic.? Lisbon shoots him another look, but also wonders. ?Okay fine, I was the one who picked out her outfit, you should see the fun stuff she has in the bottom left-?

Lisbon clenches her fist as she turns around, ?Patrick Jane, you are the most infuriating person I have ever met. What the hell were you doing in my house??

?What?? I volunteered. You didn?t have anything to wear, your other jacket and shirt were evidence. I really liked that jacket, too, it was like a tough-guy jacket?.Besides, I wanted to see if you really had a dozen cats?.but nope, only that one. Oh, he was hungry so I fed him, but then I got hungry, so I ate some of your ice cream. Do you really need two gallons of ice cream?...Then I checked your messages, your dentist called about filling that cavity, tsk, tsk?.?

Lisbon massaged her temple muttering, ?My gun is in evidence, my gun is in evidence??

They finally get to the office; Lisbon goes to get herself a cup of coffee as Jane finds his way to his couch. When she gets back, ?Can we get this over with, preferably before I lose all sense of sanity??

?You need to relax first, hypnosis requires total relaxation. You shouldn?t stress out so much??

Lisbon holds her tongue and decides, instead, to offer Randy and Carla some coffee.

?Want some coffee?? Randy asks Patrick, who just waves him off. Randy follows Carla and Lisbon to the coffee machine.

?Is he always like this, because if not, then he could definitely have brain trauma?? Carla asks, sipping some of her coffee.

?Oh, he is always like this, and I mean always!? Lisbon groans, ?He is always playing one of his games, screwing with people, driving nails into my coffin??

?Then why do you work with him?? Carla asks.

?Because he gets results,? Lisbon replies, ?We solve nearly every case he works on??

??at the cost of your sanity??Randy chimes in, getting a look from both women. ?Let?s not beat a dead horse, ladies. I mean he seems like a nice guy, a few issues, but nice?.Besides, if he pisses you off so much, why you letting the guy hypnotize you, aren?t you afraid he?ll try something??

?Not when he?s focused on catching the man who murdered his wife and daughter??Lisbon closes the conversation and starts to head back to the office. Carla and Randy look at each other in the awkward silence and follow Lisbon.

?Hey Jane, can we get this started?? Lisbon asks while putting down her coffee. After she gets no response she looks up at the couch to make sure he?s still there. ?Jane, come on, don?t pretend you?re asleep?? She approaches Jane, getting irritated again. She shakes his shoulder, but gets no response.

?Patrick?? she shouts with no response, causing Carla and Randy to rush over.

?He?s not moving air,? Carla states and then rushes to the gurney and pulls it over. She drops the bags on the floor before she and Randy move Jane onto the gurney. Randy pulls out a face mask and begins pumping oxygen into Patrick as Carla conjures a small heart monitor and hooks Jane up to it.
?He has a faint pulse,? Carla reassures Lisbon as she puts an IV in Jane?s arm. She attaches a saline bag to the IV and injects meds into it. The faint pulse gets a little bit stronger, but not much as they roll out of the office. Lisbon looks back at the couch as they leave, noticing the blood where Patrick?s head had been. She pushes all thoughts aside as she quickens her pace to keep up with the paramedics.

?What happened?? she asks as they enter the elevator, Randy still squeezing the bag every few seconds.

?Its probably his brain swelling, he should have been checked out as soon as this happened,? Carla responds.

?Patrick Jane doesn?t do anything he doesn?t want to do?? Lisbon replies as the doors open on the first floor.

They wheel Jane past the shocked security guard and load him into the ambulance. Randy and Lisbon hop into the back with Jane, once again leaving Carla to the driving. As she pulls out of the parking lot, she turns on the lights and sirens. Carla then grabs the radio to inform the hospital that they are en route.

?Hey, Agent Lisbon!? Randy yells over the sirens to get her attention. She turns to him, he can tell she?s still in shock from the situation, ?Agent Lisbon, I need you to take over bagging for a minute?.just squeeze this bag every few seconds,? he takes her hand and puts it on the 
bag. He repeats, ?Every few seconds,? before turning to search for some supplies.

Randy quickly acquires the necessary supplies and repositions himself at Jane?s head. He empties two syringes into Jane?s IV, waits a few seconds, and then brushes Lisbon?s hand and the bag aside. He shifts Jane?s head slightly before inserting the laryngoscope into Jane?s mouth. ?Carla, smooth it a bit,? he yells, they slow down a bit, giving him the opportunity to slide the ET tube in place. He removes the laryngoscope and grabs the bag from Lisbon. He removes the face mask and attaches the bag to the tube. He checks the placement of the tube with his stethoscope before securing it in place.

He continues bagging Jane as he says to Lisbon, ?I?ve done all I can do to help him right now, I gave him drugs to help the brain swelling and drugs to help keep his heart beating but he is going to need major surgery, and with that comes no guarantee?? He stops as they pull into the ambulance bay of the hospital and the back doors swing open.  

Lisbon follows closely as the doctor and paramedics push Jane into the hospital. The doctor tells them that Patrick will be heading straight to the surgical ward. They load into the elevator and come out on the surgical floor, down the hall from where Minelli and the team are still investigating.

?He?s crashing,? announces the doctor as the heart monitor sounds its alarm. Van Pelt, Cho, and Minelli all look up in time to catch a glimpse of Jane before he is pushed through the doors into a restricted area. Lisbon is still standing there as the doors swing shut and the gang runs over to inquire.

?Now you really have killed him!? Van Pelt cries. They look through the glass on the door and watch as the doctor stops the gurney to shock Jane. She shakes her head in dismay before she notices her audience. She pushes the gurney through another door, until they are out of sight.
?God damn you, Patrick Jane,? Lisbon says to herself as she takes a seat on the floor against the wall. She takes a second to compose herself a little, ?How is Rigsby doing?? She tries to divert from the issue at hand.

?They say he?ll be okay; he should regain full use of his hand with minimal scarring,? Van Pelt responds, kneeling down next to Lisbon. 

?What happened??

?I really don?t want to talk about this right now,? Lisbon responds, getting up to move to a quieter place.

?Well I want to know what the hell happened to him!? yells Minelli, pushing Lisbon over the edge.

?You want to know what happened?? she yells back, ?I broke his MP3 player?I broke his MP3 player and then I broke him. I smashed his head open! I let him talk me into something stupid and I might have even gotten him killed!!! That?s what happened!!!!? She storms down the hallway, not noticing that every single person is staring at her.

She wanders the hallways for a while until she finds a quiet corridor and an empty room. She turns on the light and closes the door behind her. Lisbon then walks over to the sink to splash water on her face. She looks at herself in the mirror and realizes how tired she is, she hasn?t gotten very much sleep in the past few days.

She closes her eyes, trying to rid her mind of the past few days but all she can think about is Jeremy and Patrick, and all that blood?She opens her eyes as she gets nauseous and has barely enough time to grab the wastebasket before she vomits. She rinses her mouth with water, before making her way to the bed. She puts her badge on the bedside table and lays down, pulling the blanket up to her neck. This time the tears start flowing and she does nothing to stop them.
CODE RED Part 10, Final scenes
***Now Patrick is in the operating room, obviously still alive, lying on his stomach. The camera starts out zoomed in to the tube in his mouth. As it zooms out it shows his shaven head and the surgeons working on the back of it. They remove several quarter sized pieces before we fade out?..***

COMMERCIAL (I decided that this episode would be presented with limited commercial interruptions for a better flow {aka: I forgot to write them in and am too lazy to go back} so yeah?.)

***The scene fades in to a sunny hospital room several days later; Patrick is lying on the bed, the back of his head is bandaged. Lisbon has nodded off in a chair next to the bed. Rigsby is sitting on the couch, in a hospital gown and with his entire arm bandaged, eating Jell-o. Van Pelt is helping him with his food. Cho is sitting at a table and has a bunch of papers in front of him that he is working on. ***

?It?s been three days, when is he gonna wake up?? Rigsby asks aloud to no one in particular between bites of Jell-o.

Van Pelt holds back the spoon, ?Its not helping that you ask every five minutes if he?s going to wake up.? She lowers her voice so Lisbon doesn?t hear, ?at least he?s breathing on his own?he was pretty bad off, just give him some time??

Patrick stirs a bit, drawing everybody?s attention. Van Pelt and Rigsby get up and move closer waking Lisbon. Rigsby stands next to the bed, leaning in a bit to watch for any movement. He reaches out his good hand to poke Patrick.

?BOO!!? Patrick opens his eyes and startles Rigsby.

?Holy Crap, man!!!? Rigsby recoils knocking into Van Pelt. Cho gets up and comes over to the bed.

?You?re awake!? exclaims Van Pelt with a smile as she pushes past Rigsby to give Patrick a light hug.

?How long have you been conscious?? Cho asks.

?A few hours or so?.does it really matter. I?m hungry; can we get some burgers or something??

?Sorry, I have paperwork to do, but have fun,? Cho responds, grabbing his papers and heading to the door, ?Happy to hear you?re okay.?

?Why does he have paperwork and none of you do?? Patrick inquires, grabbing Lisbon?s phone off the bedside table and dialing a number covering the mouthpiece as he puts it to his ear.

?Well,? answers Van Pelt, ?Rigsby is on medical leave, Lisbon is on medical leave and one month suspension for what happened to you, and I?m on a one month suspension for my knowledge of what happened to you??

?I guess I should apologize-hold on a minute,? he uncovers the mouthpiece, ?Yes, can I get six burgers delivered to the hospital across the street,? he covers the mouthpiece, ?where?s my wallet?? Van Pelt retrieves it from a bag on the floor and hands it to him, he opens it, looks inside and gets back to the phone call, ??Yeah, plus four drinks and fries?.Okay, They?ll be here in ten minutes?...Okay, just look for the guy in a hospital gown?.Oh, yeah, um he has a bandaged arm. He?ll be with the church girl?..okay, yeah $24.81, got it. Bye.? Lisbon extends her hand and he places the phone in it. He then grabs his wallet and pulls out a $50, he handed it to a wide-eyed Rigsby and returns Van Pelts scowl with a smile.

Van Pelt and Rigsby depart, leaving Lisbon and Jane alone. ?Look, Theresa,? he puts her off guard using her first name, ?I?m sorry, I probably should have listened to you??

She doesn't say anything as she reached down into a bag and pulls out a small box, she tosses it on his lap. ?Now we?re even?? she remarks.
?Is it a puppy?? Jane jokes as he picks it up and shakes it.

?Just open it?? Lisbon replies.

He takes the top of the box off and smiles as he sees what?s inside. He smiles as he turns it towards her, ?It?s a new MP3 player!!....Oh, and it?s pink!!?

He pulls the hot pink MP3 player out of the box, ?It was the only color they had,? she declares with a smirk.

?Oh, the color is lovely; it?ll go well with my golden locks!? He sees the smirk fade from Lisbon?s face. He pulls the blankets off and walks over to the mirror on the wall. Other than the bandage on the back of his head, his head was totally bare. He turns on his heels and looks back at her, ?What did you do to me???? he yells and then slips to the floor and starts laughing which throws Lisbon way off guard.

?What the hell are you laughing at?? She says as she goes to help him up. 

?I?m just thinking about the fact that I almost didn?t get out of bed this morning?I mean, well whatever morning it was?I would have never gotten so infuriated meaning we wouldn?t have been handcuffed together. I wouldn?t have been at the hospital when Jeremy went missing, so you-I wouldn?t have cracked my head open, followed along with your crazy idea, or ever lost my hair!!?

?Too bad you couldn?t have seen it coming?? She tries to help to help him up, slips and joins him on the floor. Patrick smiles as Lisbon looks at him, creating a smile on her face. ?It?s not funny,? she shoves him lightly.

?I think you just broke a few of my ribs!!? he laughs as he pushes her back.

?That?s not funny?? She tries to hold back a laugh, but fails.

Patrick puts his arm around her shoulders to balance himself as they start laughing harder, a laugh of defeat and at small victory and irony?.when the world has you beat.

***Starts to fade out, but holds the conversation***

After several minutes, Jane sobers up enough to chime an idea, ?I say the team needs a vacation after all of this?.A friend of mine has a beach house free for use in San Diego, right on the water. You, Van Pelt, Rigsby, me, and maybe even Cho, we could all go relax for a month. I mean we have nothing to do for an entire month?.6 bedrooms, 3 bath, spa nearby?.?

***roll the credits, season finale?.they rest up, grow hair back, and are all spiffy for the new season!!!***